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亲... 看看这篇小作文有什么错误的地方..行么...

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Many people think that money can buy anything they want . Wealth can bring happiness .They work very hard to make money,even neglect their family,friends and neighbors.but what is likely to happen is that they will find they can't get real happiness when they have a lot of money . Although they buy luxury cars , mansions,valuable jewels and so on . Why don't this people feel
happy after getting what they want? In my opinion, the real happiness in our life comes from the good relationship between our neighbors and us, the laughter which is made by the whole family,or a pleasant conversation with our friends.and I think that is also the reason why the richest man in America still live a simple life,he know what it is that life is all about.
那什么 给我再加几句也行啊 不知道写什么了



1楼2011-11-17 08:21回复
    - - 一个人都没有的吗
    好桑心....


    2楼2011-11-17 08:36
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      2025-08-09 00:08:02
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      第二句的wealth can bring happiness如果只是要补充第一句,那么加个连词让两句合并一下比较好;
      第三句的even前面补一个连词,比如and
      第四句的when they have a lot of money的when 前面补充个even之类的词,将可以更好地反衬出钱买不到幸福这个观点
      之后那句Although they buy .... and so on,不知lz是否是想表达“即使他们能买到……等等”这个意思?是的话,就可以直接和上一句合并了:
      “But what is likely to happen is that they will find they can't get real happiness even if they have a lot of money to buy luxurious cars, mansions, or expensive jewels.”
      之后一句,this people改为these people
      接着,打了括号的表示可以省去
      “In my opinion, (the) real happiness (in our life) comes from our good relationship with our neighbors, (the) joy and laughter (which is) created by our (whole/entire) families, or pleasant conversations we had with our friends.”
      最后那句he knows what之前的逗号改为“:”


      3楼2011-11-17 08:39
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        太感谢了哈...


        4楼2011-11-17 08:52
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          不谢……
          难得见到写好了再发上来求改的,不回复就说不过去了……


          5楼2011-11-17 08:55
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            最后一句貌似有点不顺畅


            6楼2011-11-17 10:22
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              哪里? 我还没有写完啊 不知道接什么了 求指点


              7楼2011-11-17 15:48
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                从句用的很好阿。


                来自手机贴吧8楼2011-11-17 15:57
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                  2025-08-09 00:02:02
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                  最后一个强调句


                  来自手机贴吧9楼2011-11-17 15:59
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                    亲... 你说我后面在加几句什么比较好啊...求指点...


                    10楼2011-11-17 16:37
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