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Stuart:Oh,my God! Oh, how dreadful! Poor Clive. At least he didn't suffer. Oh, he did. Oh,my. That much? Oh, well, I prefer to remember him as I last saw him being fedapple sauce by a Jamaican woman. Well, it's a reminder that we should spend asmuch time as possible with those we hold dear while we're able. Anyway, thankyou for calling, Mother.
Freddie:Fora moment, I thought those high-pitched, piercing shrieks were coming from agaggle of schoolgirls. But now I see it's just you. I shan't be able to returnto sleep now, thanks muchly.
Stuart:Whodo you think you are? The Earl of Grantham? You're from Wigan.
Freddie:It'sbetter than being from Leytonstone.
Stuart:Howdare you? I've been to Oxford.
Freddie:Yes,for lunch. Who were you squawking at on the phone just now?
Stuart:Mymother, if you must know.
Freddie:Wasshe calling to tell you when she'd be dying?
Stuart:Shewas very distraught.
Freddie:Why?Did you finally tell her about us?
Stuart:I'mwaiting for the right time.
Freddie:It'sbeen 48 years!
Stuart:Andthere has not been a right time! Please, don't pressure me! I'm very emotionalalready. We've had some frightful news. Clive is dead.
Freddie:Yourmother is always the first to know when someone dies. Is she getting the newsdirectly from Satan?
Stuart:Iwould think you'd be a little more upset considering your history.
Freddie:Thatwas a long time ago. We were all in our early 20s.
Stuart:What,I was 19. I wasn't in my 20s. People used to think I was your nephew.
Freddie:Yes,because you told them you were my nephew. Anyway, I do feel bad about Clive. Ijust hope he didn't suffer.
Stuart:Apparently,they had to cut a foot off, so I assume there was some discomfort.
Freddie:Idare say those thick ankles of his put up quite a fight.
Stuart:Whoon earth is that?
Freddie:Ihave no idea. Are you expecting anybody? -
Stuart:No!These aren't calling hours!
Freddie:Thisis outrageous! You just don't go about ringing people's doorbells!
Stuart:Let'sjust see who it is, and then put the whole ugly business behind us.
Freddie:Well,I'm going to give this intruder a real dressing down.
Freddie & Stuart:Aaaah.
Freddie: Hello.
Freddie Can we help youwith something?
Ash: Ash.
Stuart:Ididn't even know that was a name.
Ash: I was here to see about the flat.Is this a bad time?
Freddie: No, no. No, no,no, no, no, no, not at all.
Ash: Great.
Freddie: Yes, great. CanI get you some tea?
Ash: No, thanks. I'd just really liketo see the flat.
Stuart:You'vecome to the wrong door, I'm afraid. The flat for rent is one floor up.
Ash: Oh, sorry.
Freddie: Don't be sorry.I'm Freddie. This is Stuart, my friend. Freddie Thornhill. You probablyrecognise me from the television or the stage. Do you go to the theatre often,Ash? Am I saying that correctly?
Ash: Yeah. Ash. I don't get to thetheatre much.
Freddie:Well,of course, you're a young man, you do young man things. I'm quite certain I'mold enough to be your father.
Stuart:Yes,I'm quite certain, too.
Ash: My father's 46.
Freddie:Ah,and so am I.
Ash: Do you mind if I use your toilet?
Freddie:Mind?We'd be devastated if you didn't.
Stuart:Youare making such a fool of yourself.
Freddie:Thenyou should leave. It's quite clear he hates you. Do you suppose he's"Family"?
Stuart:Oh,God. It's so tricky to tell now. I thought Graham Norton was straight.
Freddie:Well,my dear Stuart, I will work it out. After all, I did spend a year playing thedetective in The Mousetrap.
Stuart:Oh,please! Our postman's been in The Mousetrap. This is complete lunacy!
Freddie:It'slike Victoria Station!
Stuart:Who'sthere?!
Violet: It's Violet, darling.I came as soon as I heard. Poor Clive.
Stuart:Yes,it's been a great shock, as you can imagine.
Freddie:We'reabsolutely devastated. Now, I must ask you.
Violet: Anything,darling.
Freddie:IsLeytonstone any better than Wigan?
Violet: A bit, darling.
Freddie:Bollocks.
Stuart:Iwas thinking perhaps we should host a small gathering here tomorrow. Just ourlittle circle.
Violet: That will belovely. I can't believe he's gone. Dear, sweet Clive. Did you hear about thefoot?
Stuart:Yes.Unfortunate.
Violet: Oh, damn, Iwanted to tell you. Poor Freddie, you were quite close, back in the day.
Freddie:Well,Clive was very much smitten with me, that is true. Obsessed, really. I wasyoung, handsome, famous.
Stuart:Youwere barely one of those things.
Violet: I'm just goingto use the loo before I go out. There has to be somebody who hasn't heard aboutthat foot.
Stuart:Oh!He's still in there!
Violet: Who's still inthere?
Freddie:Theyoung man who came to see about the flat upstairs.
Stuart:He'sbeen ages. Go and see what's going on.
Freddie:No,no, I don't want to disturb him. It's very rude to disturb attractive people.
Stuart:Well,we can't leave him in there all day.
Violet: You let acomplete stranger use your loo? What if he comes out and rapes me?
Freddie:Let'scross that bridge when we come to it, shall we?
Stuart:Everythingall right in there, Ash?
Freddie:Well,we tried.
Violet: So that's it,then?
Stuart:Idon't see what else we can do.
Freddie:Trycalling him again.
Stuart:No,you try.
Violet: Somebody dosomething. I'm so frightened I'm going to be raped.
Freddie:Oh,for God's sake, Violet, nobody wants to rape you.
Violet: What an awfulthing to say.
Ash: Thanks very much.
Stuart:Ofcourse. Everything all right?
Ash: Yeah, sorry. Had to make a call.
Freddie:Ah.A call to your...?
Ash: Mate.
Freddie:Isee. A close mate?
Ash: I guess.
Freddie:Isee. And is this your special mate?
Ash: Er, dunno. I should probably goand see that flat now.
Violet: Has anybody eversaid you remind them of Zac Efron? That's a person, right? Or is it a place?
Stuart:Thisis our friend Violet, Ash.
Freddie:Yes,she's our friend and Stuart here is my "Friend".
Ash: Uh...OK.
Violet: Haven't I seenyou in my yoga class? I go to yoga. I'm great fun.
Ash: I don't think so.
Violet: Well, I'mcertain I know you. Have you ever been to Zac Efron? I'm covered either waynow.
Ash: I should probably go. It was nicemeeting you all.
Freddie:Andgood luck with the flat. I do hope we become neighbours. And you can bringround here anybody you like. Boys, girls, whichever you prefer.
Ash: Thanks.
Stuart:Nicelydone, Miss Marple. I only hope his flesh didn't rot off where you touched him.
Freddie:I'msurprised you could see it through the milky film that coats your cataracts.
Stuart:I'mgoing to make another pot of tea.
Freddie:Inever know when I'm going too far, but I'm always so glad when I do.
Freddie:Fora moment, I thought those high-pitched, piercing shrieks were coming from agaggle of schoolgirls. But now I see it's just you. I shan't be able to returnto sleep now, thanks muchly.
Stuart:Whodo you think you are? The Earl of Grantham? You're from Wigan.
Freddie:It'sbetter than being from Leytonstone.
Stuart:Howdare you? I've been to Oxford.
Freddie:Yes,for lunch. Who were you squawking at on the phone just now?
Stuart:Mymother, if you must know.
Freddie:Wasshe calling to tell you when she'd be dying?
Stuart:Shewas very distraught.
Freddie:Why?Did you finally tell her about us?
Stuart:I'mwaiting for the right time.
Freddie:It'sbeen 48 years!
Stuart:Andthere has not been a right time! Please, don't pressure me! I'm very emotionalalready. We've had some frightful news. Clive is dead.
Freddie:Yourmother is always the first to know when someone dies. Is she getting the newsdirectly from Satan?
Stuart:Iwould think you'd be a little more upset considering your history.
Freddie:Thatwas a long time ago. We were all in our early 20s.
Stuart:What,I was 19. I wasn't in my 20s. People used to think I was your nephew.
Freddie:Yes,because you told them you were my nephew. Anyway, I do feel bad about Clive. Ijust hope he didn't suffer.
Stuart:Apparently,they had to cut a foot off, so I assume there was some discomfort.
Freddie:Idare say those thick ankles of his put up quite a fight.
Stuart:Whoon earth is that?
Freddie:Ihave no idea. Are you expecting anybody? -
Stuart:No!These aren't calling hours!
Freddie:Thisis outrageous! You just don't go about ringing people's doorbells!
Stuart:Let'sjust see who it is, and then put the whole ugly business behind us.
Freddie:Well,I'm going to give this intruder a real dressing down.
Freddie & Stuart:Aaaah.
Freddie: Hello.
Freddie Can we help youwith something?
Ash: Ash.
Stuart:Ididn't even know that was a name.
Ash: I was here to see about the flat.Is this a bad time?
Freddie: No, no. No, no,no, no, no, no, not at all.
Ash: Great.
Freddie: Yes, great. CanI get you some tea?
Ash: No, thanks. I'd just really liketo see the flat.
Stuart:You'vecome to the wrong door, I'm afraid. The flat for rent is one floor up.
Ash: Oh, sorry.
Freddie: Don't be sorry.I'm Freddie. This is Stuart, my friend. Freddie Thornhill. You probablyrecognise me from the television or the stage. Do you go to the theatre often,Ash? Am I saying that correctly?
Ash: Yeah. Ash. I don't get to thetheatre much.
Freddie:Well,of course, you're a young man, you do young man things. I'm quite certain I'mold enough to be your father.
Stuart:Yes,I'm quite certain, too.
Ash: My father's 46.
Freddie:Ah,and so am I.
Ash: Do you mind if I use your toilet?
Freddie:Mind?We'd be devastated if you didn't.
Stuart:Youare making such a fool of yourself.
Freddie:Thenyou should leave. It's quite clear he hates you. Do you suppose he's"Family"?
Stuart:Oh,God. It's so tricky to tell now. I thought Graham Norton was straight.
Freddie:Well,my dear Stuart, I will work it out. After all, I did spend a year playing thedetective in The Mousetrap.
Stuart:Oh,please! Our postman's been in The Mousetrap. This is complete lunacy!
Freddie:It'slike Victoria Station!
Stuart:Who'sthere?!
Violet: It's Violet, darling.I came as soon as I heard. Poor Clive.
Stuart:Yes,it's been a great shock, as you can imagine.
Freddie:We'reabsolutely devastated. Now, I must ask you.
Violet: Anything,darling.
Freddie:IsLeytonstone any better than Wigan?
Violet: A bit, darling.
Freddie:Bollocks.
Stuart:Iwas thinking perhaps we should host a small gathering here tomorrow. Just ourlittle circle.
Violet: That will belovely. I can't believe he's gone. Dear, sweet Clive. Did you hear about thefoot?
Stuart:Yes.Unfortunate.
Violet: Oh, damn, Iwanted to tell you. Poor Freddie, you were quite close, back in the day.
Freddie:Well,Clive was very much smitten with me, that is true. Obsessed, really. I wasyoung, handsome, famous.
Stuart:Youwere barely one of those things.
Violet: I'm just goingto use the loo before I go out. There has to be somebody who hasn't heard aboutthat foot.
Stuart:Oh!He's still in there!
Violet: Who's still inthere?
Freddie:Theyoung man who came to see about the flat upstairs.
Stuart:He'sbeen ages. Go and see what's going on.
Freddie:No,no, I don't want to disturb him. It's very rude to disturb attractive people.
Stuart:Well,we can't leave him in there all day.
Violet: You let acomplete stranger use your loo? What if he comes out and rapes me?
Freddie:Let'scross that bridge when we come to it, shall we?
Stuart:Everythingall right in there, Ash?
Freddie:Well,we tried.
Violet: So that's it,then?
Stuart:Idon't see what else we can do.
Freddie:Trycalling him again.
Stuart:No,you try.
Violet: Somebody dosomething. I'm so frightened I'm going to be raped.
Freddie:Oh,for God's sake, Violet, nobody wants to rape you.
Violet: What an awfulthing to say.
Ash: Thanks very much.
Stuart:Ofcourse. Everything all right?
Ash: Yeah, sorry. Had to make a call.
Freddie:Ah.A call to your...?
Ash: Mate.
Freddie:Isee. A close mate?
Ash: I guess.
Freddie:Isee. And is this your special mate?
Ash: Er, dunno. I should probably goand see that flat now.
Violet: Has anybody eversaid you remind them of Zac Efron? That's a person, right? Or is it a place?
Stuart:Thisis our friend Violet, Ash.
Freddie:Yes,she's our friend and Stuart here is my "Friend".
Ash: Uh...OK.
Violet: Haven't I seenyou in my yoga class? I go to yoga. I'm great fun.
Ash: I don't think so.
Violet: Well, I'mcertain I know you. Have you ever been to Zac Efron? I'm covered either waynow.
Ash: I should probably go. It was nicemeeting you all.
Freddie:Andgood luck with the flat. I do hope we become neighbours. And you can bringround here anybody you like. Boys, girls, whichever you prefer.
Ash: Thanks.
Stuart:Nicelydone, Miss Marple. I only hope his flesh didn't rot off where you touched him.
Freddie:I'msurprised you could see it through the milky film that coats your cataracts.
Stuart:I'mgoing to make another pot of tea.
Freddie:Inever know when I'm going too far, but I'm always so glad when I do.
Freddie:Yourmother looked well for someone who doesn't have a heartbeat.
Stuart:Shealways rallies for a funeral. Do you know, Freddie, as grotesque a thought asit is, you might have been the love of Clive's life.
Freddie:Ido believe I was. It's sad that it took the passing of a dear friend to make merealise how special I am.
Stuart:Areyou wearing mascara?
Freddie:No.
Stuart:Well,I must prepare for our guests. I want everything to be perfect. I bought twosandwiches that I can cut up into sixteenths. That should do it.
Freddie:Oh,that is it! We are disconnecting this bell! Oh, hello. It's Ash! You'll tell meif I'm ever pronouncing that wrong.
Ash: I hope I'm not bothering you.
Freddie:Botheringus? We should give you a key.
Ash: I was just stopping by to let youknow I got the upstairs flat.
Freddie:Oh,goody!
Ash: In fact, I'm moving in today.
Freddie:Oh,marvelous. Stuart, my friend, will be so pleased. You remember him? Shrunken,old gnome?
Ash: Great. I love spending time withOAPs.
Freddie:No,I'm not one. He is. Not me. Sometimes I pretend to be, in order to getconcessions at the cinema, but they don't usually believe me. Would you excuseme a moment? And do not look at my awards while I'm in the other room. I'd bevery embarrassed. They're over there. We're both very excited.
Stuart:Freddietells me the good news.
Freddie:Closethose curtains!
Stuart:Thelight! The light! Freddie tells me the good news! You must join us for tea.
Ash: Thanks. So, you never use thehuge window?
Stuart:No.
Freddie:Wealso don't go around pulling cords in other people's flats. Go on. We're donewith you for now.
Stuart:Shealways rallies for a funeral. Do you know, Freddie, as grotesque a thought asit is, you might have been the love of Clive's life.
Freddie:Ido believe I was. It's sad that it took the passing of a dear friend to make merealise how special I am.
Stuart:Areyou wearing mascara?
Freddie:No.
Stuart:Well,I must prepare for our guests. I want everything to be perfect. I bought twosandwiches that I can cut up into sixteenths. That should do it.
Freddie:Oh,that is it! We are disconnecting this bell! Oh, hello. It's Ash! You'll tell meif I'm ever pronouncing that wrong.
Ash: I hope I'm not bothering you.
Freddie:Botheringus? We should give you a key.
Ash: I was just stopping by to let youknow I got the upstairs flat.
Freddie:Oh,goody!
Ash: In fact, I'm moving in today.
Freddie:Oh,marvelous. Stuart, my friend, will be so pleased. You remember him? Shrunken,old gnome?
Ash: Great. I love spending time withOAPs.
Freddie:No,I'm not one. He is. Not me. Sometimes I pretend to be, in order to getconcessions at the cinema, but they don't usually believe me. Would you excuseme a moment? And do not look at my awards while I'm in the other room. I'd bevery embarrassed. They're over there. We're both very excited.
Stuart:Freddietells me the good news.
Freddie:Closethose curtains!
Stuart:Thelight! The light! Freddie tells me the good news! You must join us for tea.
Ash: Thanks. So, you never use thehuge window?
Stuart:No.
Freddie:Wealso don't go around pulling cords in other people's flats. Go on. We're donewith you for now.
Freddie:You'reup late. I was just going to pour myself a drink. Care for one? Fine, don'tanswer. I prefer it.
Stuart:Youbehaved abominably today!
Freddie:Shespeaks! Don't let's do this now. I'm so tired. Entertaining is exhausting.
Stuart:Isuppose I'm not tired because I do nothing. I did nothing. I am nothing.
Freddie:You'restill going on about that? Will you forget about it, please?
Stuart:Ican never forget it. You said some very hurtful things which you can never takeback. I don't see how we can ever get over this.
Freddie:Stuart,I'm sorry.
Stuart:Oh,that's all right. Oh, what on earth?!
Freddie:Isthat someone calling? This lunacy!
Stuart:Oh,hello, Mother. Yes, I'm still awake. I'm here with my...flatmate.
Freddie:Oh,for Christ's sake, Stuart.
Stuart:Hesays, "Hello, Mrs Bixby." Oh, my God. Oh, how dreadful! When? PoorOliver! Another one.
Freddie:Shit!
Stuart:Youbehaved abominably today!
Freddie:Shespeaks! Don't let's do this now. I'm so tired. Entertaining is exhausting.
Stuart:Isuppose I'm not tired because I do nothing. I did nothing. I am nothing.
Freddie:You'restill going on about that? Will you forget about it, please?
Stuart:Ican never forget it. You said some very hurtful things which you can never takeback. I don't see how we can ever get over this.
Freddie:Stuart,I'm sorry.
Stuart:Oh,that's all right. Oh, what on earth?!
Freddie:Isthat someone calling? This lunacy!
Stuart:Oh,hello, Mother. Yes, I'm still awake. I'm here with my...flatmate.
Freddie:Oh,for Christ's sake, Stuart.
Stuart:Hesays, "Hello, Mrs Bixby." Oh, my God. Oh, how dreadful! When? PoorOliver! Another one.
Freddie:Shit!
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