【翻译】J·E写在McSweeney's上的文章

Bream Gives Me Hiccups: Restaurant Reviews
from a Privileged
Nine-Year-Old.
回味小时候：独行九岁小孩的餐巾纸记录
The Ashram and Mom.
BY Jesse Eisenberg
12/12/2013
修行会所和妈妈
文/杰西·艾森伯格
（这是最新的一篇，2014年J·E还没写什么）
Over the weekend, Mom took me to an ashram, which is a place that stressed out people go when they’re rich.
周末的时候，妈妈会带我去修行会馆。这是有钱人压力过大的时候会去的地方。
We were supposed to stay for the whole weekend but we ended up sneaking out in the middle of the first night, which sounds like a bad thing to do but it was also the most fun thing that Mom and I ever did together.
我们本应该整个周末都待在里面，但是我们最后还是在第一天的午夜里偷偷溜了出来。这听起来不是一件好事，但这却是我和妈妈在一起做过的最有意思的事。
When we first arrived at the ashram, I knew we probably wouldn’t last the whole weekend. There was a sign at the front entrance that said, REPEAL YOUR VANITY, RELEASE YOUR POSSESSIONS, RELEARN TO LIVE. I knew Mom would not want to do any of these three things. We had just spent the whole week shopping for sexy yoga outfits for Mom to wear at the ashram and she was definitely not planning on repealing or releasing any of these.
当我们刚来到这个修行会所的时候，我就知道我们很可能撑不过整个周末。在前门有一个标语，上面写着：“抛去你的虚荣，抛下你的财务，重新学会生活。”我知道妈妈决不会希望做标语中任何一条。我们刚刚才花了一整周的时间为妈妈购买要在修行会所穿的性感的瑜伽运动服，她肯定不会抛弃任何这些东西。
I don’t even know why Mom wanted to go to the ashram. She kept saying that she just needed some “Me Time,” which seems like a strange thing to need, but even more strange because Mom spends every day taking “Me Time” because she has no job and drinks alcohol every night until she passes out.
我一点也不知道妈妈为什么想去这个修行会馆。她一直说她只是想要一点属于自己的时间。这看起来很奇怪，然而更奇怪的是妈妈每天的时间实际上都属于她自己，因为她没有工作，每天晚上都会喝酒知道她去世。
But Mom put on a fake smile, which has become her only kind of smile, grabbed our suitcase and said, “Wake me up when it’s over.”
但是妈妈总违心地一笑——这是她如今唯一会的微笑——拿来我们的行李箱，说：“等这些都结束了就叫醒我。”

The ashram was made up of several buildings that were kind of like old-timey cabins surrounding a big pool. At the front was a check-in building and, when Mom and I entered, there was a woman behind the counter who had dreadlocks for hair even though she was a white woman. I could see Mom hide a face of hatred for this woman, especially when the woman said, “Namaste and welcome to the first step toward Inner Harmony. Our spiritual founder Satchidananda once observed, Truth is one, Paths are many. Nonetheless, we were rated as the best ashram in the Northern Lakes region by Wellness Magazine two years in a row. Welcome, namaste.”
这个修行会馆里面有几栋楼，它们有点类似老旧的小屋，中间有一个大泳池。前面是一个登记入住的小楼。妈妈和我进来的时候，在柜台后面有个女人，她的头发弄的是雷鬼头的样子，尽管她是个白人。虽然妈妈并没有表现出来，但我知道她有点厌恶这个女人，尤其当这个女的说：“有礼了（一种印度说法），欢迎您为得到内心的和谐而走出第一步。我们最初的精神导师Satchidananda曾经说过，真理只有一个，但是领悟真理的方式却有很多。不管怎样，我们在Wellness杂志每两年的评选中被评为北部湖区[1]最好的修行会所。欢迎。有礼了。”
[1]:LZ不是很清楚，但是怀疑北部湖区就是美国比较靠北又临近五大湖的几个州，大概就是纽约州，宾州，俄亥俄州，密歇根，威斯康辛州神马的。有了解的人么？

I could sense right there that Mom wanted to escape from what she quickly realized was a kind of prison, but she smiled a fake smile again and said, “Namaste, thank you, we’re checking in.”
我能很快赶到妈妈逃离这里，因为她很快就意识到这里简直类似监狱，但她又摆出了违心的微笑了，说：“有礼了。谢谢。我们这就登记入住。”
The white woman with dreadlocks proceeded to tell us about the Ashram and the rules we had to follow, which all sounded like things that Mom hates. We had to wake up every morning at 5:45 for a “satsang,” which is a meeting with the other guests of the ashram. Mom asked if she could just send me to the meeting to take notes and report back but the woman said that it was mandatory, which is one of the words that Mom hates.
那个雷鬼头的白种女人继续告诉我们各种关于修行会所的信息，还有我们要遵循的规定，听起来全是妈妈讨厌的东西。我们每天早上都得在5:45起床听（印度）“布道”。这就是和会所里其他的客人一起聚会。妈妈问她是否可以让我去听“布道”记笔记然会回来告诉她。但是女人说这是强制的，这又是妈妈讨厌的词。

The woman also said that we were not allowed to use our cell phones and that we had to put all of our “material possessions” into a “Trust Locker,” which were little cubbyholes. Mom said a “Trust Locker” is something that is called an oxymoron, like "Happily Married.” Then she laughed in a kind of fake way and the woman and I just stared at each other waiting for her to stop.
那女的还说我们不能用手机，必须把所有的“物质财产”都放到“存物柜”里，就是几个小架子。妈妈说“存物柜”其实是一种很矛盾的说法，就像“幸福的婚姻”。然后她假笑起来，那女人和我就是愣愣地看着对方，等她停下来。
Mom then asked the woman, "What happens if someone steals our stuff from the Trust Locker?” And the woman said, "Then you’ll be one possession freer.” Mom nodded and said, "I think I’ll just hold on to it for now.” And the dreadlocked white woman said, “I’m sorry to hear you’re still bound.”
妈妈然后又问那女的：“如果有人把我们的东西从储物柜里面偷走了怎么办？”女的就说：“那你们就又从一件外物束缚中解放了出来。”妈妈点头，说：“我觉得我现在还是被舒服着挺好。”雷鬼头的女的说：“我很抱歉听到你现在还是尘缘难断。”
Our room was near the back of the ashram and next to the large pool. The pool, the woman explained, was "clothing optional.” And apparently, everyone currently in the pool chose the naked option and Mom and I could see their privates as they sat around the pool, casually talking to each other like they weren’t naked.
我们的房间大概在会所的背面，大泳池的旁边。那女的和我们解释说，在这个泳池里面穿不穿衣服都行。但是很明显，所有现在在泳池里面的人都选择了光身子。妈妈和我可以看到那些坐在泳池边上的人所有的“隐私”，自然地与别人说话仿佛他们没有裸.体。
It was actually disgusting to see all of the men and women with their weird penises and soupy breasts. I normally would have found it funny to see naked people in a pool outside my room, but for some reason I just felt really strange looking at them, like when you walk in on someone going to the bathroom.
这实际上很恶心，看见所有的男男女女还有他们奇形怪状的小唧唧和软塌塌的胸。我通常会觉得很搞笑，如果看到有人赤身在我家外面的泳池里。但不知道为何，我只是觉得看着他们挺奇怪的，好像你走进厕所里发现已经有人了。
Mom and I finally got to our room and closed the door. Mom stared at me in a really intense way like we just got out of a war together. I wanted to tell her that we should leave, that this place was scary and weird and that she could have “Me Time” at home if she wanted to and that I would promise not to bother her all weekend or ask for anything if she would just take me home.
妈妈和我终于进到了我们的房间然后关上了们。妈妈特别紧张地盯着我，好像我们刚一起打完仗。我想告诉她我们应该离开这里；这地方很吓人，很奇怪；她应该在家里享受属于她自己的时间如果她需要的话；我发誓我一整个周末都不会打扰她，也不会管她要什么，只要她带我回家。

真的是除了吧主什么人都没有啊，累不爱……

And the food was so disgusting. It was all vegetarian, which I usually don’t mind, but it was the bad kind of vegetarian food, where they put so much spice on everything to try to make you forget that it’s not meat.
食物很恶心。全都是素食，虽然平常我都不在意。但这是很难吃的那种素食，他们在所有的菜里面放很多调料，为了让你忘记这些不是肉。（话说J·E是素食主义者是几岁开始的？）
The fork was made of a carrot cut into the shape of a fork and we had to eat the fork after eating the meal so that there was no waste. And the bowl was made from seaweed, which tastes like when you accidentally swallow dirty ocean water. Seaweed is something fish might like to eat because they have limited options under water, but humans have other things that are better like waffles and grapes. But I was so distracted by my bad thoughts that I couldn’t really focus on how gross the food was.
叉子是用胡萝卜切成叉子的形状做的，我们必须在吃完饭之后再把叉子吞了，这样才能不会浪费。碗是用海藻做的，尝起来就像意外呛了一口的脏海水。海藻是鱼可能会吃的东西，因为在海里面它们的选择很有限。但是人类有其他更好的东西可以吃，比如华夫饼还有葡萄。但是我一直在分心想那些不好的东西，所以我其实并没有多在意这些食物有多令人作呕。
Mom and I walked back to our room after dinner but we didn’t really talk that much. I think we were both a little homesick and I didn’t want to ask Mom about my fear. I guess I was scared that it might be true and, even if she lied to me and told me that she took me everywhere with her because she loved me, I would probably know that she was lying. Mom lies all the time and it’s usually easy to tell because she overdoes it.
妈妈和我在晚饭后走回我们的房间，但是我们并没有多说几句话。我想我们都是有点想家了，我也并不像因为我的恐惧而向妈妈求证。我猜，我有点害怕，如果我所想的其实是真的。就算她对我撒谎，我大概也能看得出来。妈妈总是在说谎，所以甄别她的谎言特别容易，因为她实在做过头了。
When we got back to the room, Mom said, “Great day, huh?” which was a lie. I almost wanted to cry because I wanted her to at least say, "Yoga was weird. The Indian carpet was sweaty. The Penis Pool is disgusting. And the food was gross.” I wanted her to say at least one true thing but for some reason she needed to lie. And I wanted to say, "No! It was a terrible day. I hate it here.” But for some reason, I felt I had to lie as well. I don’t know why. I think I felt that if I said anything true, I would start crying. So I just said, “Yeah, I love it here.”
等我们回到房间的时候，妈妈说：“不错的一天，对吧？”又是谎话。我简直都要哭了，因为我希望她至少能说：“瑜伽课很诡异，印度毯子汗涔涔的，满是唧唧的泳池很恶心，吃的让人倒胃口。”我只是希望她至少说一点实话，但是她就是有什么理由需要说谎。我想说：“不！今天很糟。我讨厌这里。”但是好像我也有什么理由，我觉得我也需要说谎。我不知道为什么。我想我大概是觉得如果我真的说了什么实话，我可能就会哭。所以我只是说：“是啊，我喜欢这里。”

真的没有人么？没有的话，我就不翻译下一篇了。【傲娇脸】

加油小伙伴

好吧，我就是那种自娱自乐不管有没有人离都能嗨的人。
所以，晚上准备继续翻一篇；
但是能不能在看的给位留个言，不要让LZ觉得自己好悲情？
哈哈哈哈，果然是傲娇。

不容易

March 12, 1876
“Hey, Watson, how’s it going? Nothing. Just sitting here. You? That’s cool. Hey, I had a kind of weird idea. Tell me if it sounds too creepy. You know how you have a phone and I have a phone? Don’t you think it would be cool if more people had one? I don’t know, like Mabel for instance. I just think she would like it. What? No, I don’t like her, I just think she would like the phone. I’m not obsessed with her. I just think it would be a cool experiment, to see if it could work at her house. So, I was thinking we could make it a surprise, you know? Like you could hide the phone in her house and then I could call her and she’ll hear it ringing and not know what it is and then pick up and I’ll be on the other end and I’ll say something really casual like, “Hey Mabel, it’s me, Aleck, calling from my house down the block” and she’ll be so impressed—not that I’m trying to impress her—and then we’ll know it worked. So, I was thinking if you could go to her house and sneak the phone in, that would be great. Like you could just casually knock on her door and pretend you’re delivering flowers or something. Or doing a survey on plague in the neighborhood—just something totally casual. But don’t mention me at all! Cool, thanks, Watson. You’re the best! She’s gonna be so impressed. What? No, I mean with the invention. She’s gonna be impressed with the invention. Cool, speak later."
1876年三月12日
“嘿，华生，最近咋样？没什么。就是坐在这里。你呢？挺好的。嘿，我有一个挺诡异的想法。如果这听起来太吓人。你知道咱俩怎样有了电话对吧？你不觉得如果更多人也能有电话是件很酷的事情吗？我不知道，就拿Mabel来说吧。我就是觉得她会喜欢这个。什么？不，我没喜欢她。我只是觉得她会喜欢电话。我才不是迷恋她。我只是觉得这会是个很酷的实验，看看电话在她的房子里面能不能成。所以，我觉得把她弄成惊喜，你懂我意思？比如，你可以把电话藏在她的家里，然后我会打电话给她。她会听到它铃铃响，却不知道这玩意是什么。然后，她会接起电话，我会在另一头，我会很普通地说上几句，嗨，Mabel，是我，阿莱克，从我的那一个街区往南的家里打来的。之后她就会对此印象深刻——我才不是想给他留下什么深刻的印象——然后我们会知道这东西成功了。所以，我想如果你可以到她的房子里，偷偷地把电话放进去，这样就太棒了。比如你可以就是平平常常地敲敲她的门，假装你是在送花或者什么的。或者就是调查一下街区里的传染病——就是什么普通的事情就行。但是别提到我！好的，谢啦，华生。老兄你是最棒的！她绝对会大吃一惊。什么？不，我指的是这个发明。她绝对会对这个发明很惊讶的。好的，过会儿聊。”
确实哦，这文整个看下来还有首尾呼应，妥妥的搅基范。经典的失恋以后误入基友怀抱的梗，脑洞打开合不上哈哈哈哈。
的确如此，看J·E写的东西都是莫名有种悲观的感觉，但是他又在努力搞笑。好心疼←这是我多少遍用这个词了orz
话说这是J·E自己追女孩的方式吗？好可爱啊，别扭傲娇的感觉，好萌！