试着用左手握住右手, 给了自己最简单的温暖。不会再奢求别人的给予, 开始学着自己爱自己
————几米

10.30.2011
每年都成长一点，自己领悟到一些新的东西。不是说特意指向谁，并不是在指桑骂槐。不过自己一个人，无所事事或者需要有人陪着说会儿话的时候，突然就才意识到，那些说来说去以为有多亲密的朋友，不过尔尔。其余亲人兄弟抑或其他，并不是每个人都有义务陪在身边。不管多亲密的人，总是两个不同的个体，有无法交集的自我世界，自己的生活，自己的喜好，属于自己的想要去追寻的东西。
不能要求别人空闲的时候总想着抽时间来陪我，不是所有人都在乎，哪怕在意的也没有这个义务。我能理解，我能懂。
有的时候动物比人类的朋友来得更有优势。一人一物就没那么复杂，我给它一顿饭，就会愿意在我身边趴着一整天，我走到哪儿就跟到哪儿。可以看着它说话，好像有了倾听者，虽然也明知道其实根本听不懂，但是它有时间，也许也是愿意的。不然我还可以说，嘿，你这个畜生，我给你吃饭喝水和住的地方，竟然连我发发牢骚都不耐烦听下去，真不通人性。
也许为此，也不会去那么介意身边其他的事情了。
就可以豁达一些。你们忙吧，读书的读书，上班的上班，恋爱的恋爱，我不需要人陪，我有伴了。
我不需要你们陪了，是真的不用了，我也有我自己的世界了。工作，看书，宠物，我也很忙，我甚至都不会再去记得，那些孤独地想要找个人陪我而每个人都没空的时候了。

我也会有自私的时候，不想说话，不想在乎，不想理会。不管出于什么原因，正确与否，都希望得到原谅，good night the world.

10.30.2011
18:25
真是大起大落的一段时间，如同生命的轮回一样。想每个人都曾经有过想有宠物的愿望吧，狗啊猫啊鸟啊这一类的。
每次想起来觉得好像自己什么都没养过，其实有过好多宠物了。两只鹦鹉，三只猫，两只乌龟，两条鱼。都是没能养好最后就这样死掉或者走失了的，没办法啊，我是那种连仙人掌都养得死的人- -
不过现在知道要怎么照顾动物了，而且真的是无所事事的，应该不会让悲剧重演了吧。像昨天说的那样，动物比人类的朋友要来得好很多吧，至少从得到的回报方面来看，我给予多少就能回馈到多少。
这样的愿望实现得有点太快了点，但是也是有些无奈的，大家都忙，我又能如何。就算是说出来了又怎么样呢，不过会觉得，真是个永远不知道满足，总希望所有人都围着他转的人。抑或者觉得，真是无趣，又要听他唠叨，这样那样...
Anyway, warm welcome to my new family member, haven't got a name for you yet, but it's fine, we ought have one soon!

And also, the main part, I love those all matter in my life. I love all of you, even some's not beside me, our hearts are joined, love you.

最重要的是，我爱所有对我来说意义非凡的人。我爱你们，虽然有些人并不在身边，但我们的心连结在一起，我爱你

I love you.
Sometimes like blazing fire. Sometimes like the brightest star glimmer in night sky. Sometimes like icy cold crystal broke into sharp pieces.
Like a man thirst for days thinking of tender berries. Like prisoner locked in a cave finally embrace sunshine freely.
Either passionate or calm, that's the way how I love. Either like the fire that will ruin a forest, or snowfall cover the world in white.
Sometimes I may be silent, that's the time I love you deep in my heart, quietly. Sometimes I say every love word with a passionate soul, that's the time I love you with all my strengths.

11.9.2011
May be it will be nicer for us be apart for a little while, both physically and mentally. So then we have a chance of a whole new view of the world, and also our relationship.
Probably, I'm just guessing.
How it comes to this? Where are all the loves have been said. Where are all the promises and cares? Where is the feeling of love and the willing to last forever.
Exhausted. Truth is really hurting me.
Painful. When you say you don't care or doesn't matter, it makes me feel what I'vebeen putting for a long time was just a waste, because at the end you don't need it anymore.
Or is it?

11.13.2011
就这深更半夜的觉得奇怪啊。我怎么这么忙呢，上班工作忙，周末也忙，我是机器人么，摁个按钮给个眼神就能执行命令的么？眼睛都眯成缝了，只要还能看见字我都不想睡，其实我就是该睡了啊，等什么呢？
Relationship is complicated. We want someting from each other, in the other hand we do not expect others to be the way we didn't prepare for.
TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11.22.2011
Long story short. First of all, I am sorry, for whatever I've done wrong, doesn't matter if I realize it or not. I apologize for whatever depressed you, and please forgive my rudeness. I know just sorry wouldn't do, and most of the time I can't control myself of doing it again. But still, I have the heart of felling guilty about it. Does that count as something?
Well, second, I don't want a break up. But I am felling not easy quite a while. I feel like our relationship is going something like a downhill, or may be not, I might just happen to be dreamtalking. But I don't feel as confident as before. As I said, I don't know what changed, probably as you said is the relationship changes within time, change the form and people. I don't want to dig into details to find if it's true or not.
I love you, as much as before, as much as what I said. Like the hottest flame, like the brightest star, like the purest dream, like the sweetest smile.
I don't know why you are not happy. Well, may be cause we won't be seeing each other this week, and so am I, feeling a little bit sad. Then is this the time to tell me you will miss me? To tell me you love me? Give me some words as I am leaving? I don't think we've gone that far to some point we don't say anything motional to each other, and when somebody is not around, we don't mind at all. No, that will be thirty years ahead of time. No, we are still in the relationship should be crazy sometimes. We do, crazy on being mad at each other. That's what I'mworring about.
I will sleep, but not good night, simple as it won't be.
I'll miss you, and hope you do too.

12.8.2011
累得跟民工一样- -

12.29.2011
afraid of talking, afraid the more I say, the more I'll dig out of myself. How cani lose the feeling of u, shouldn't. can't believe myself that i'm getting lose in the relationship, hold tightly. It's heart breaking when i really thinking about this, i shouldn't.
逢年过节就这么郁闷，年年如此，就不能有点好事


6.4.2012
Long time since the last chance I got to write something down here. My journal is soempty, and when I review my thoughts, they flow to me vividly, like the last second memory.
Okay, so i'm uncontrollably going randomly with my thoughts.
So, the past few days i was obsess with elantris. I got to admit, I haven't read much novels in english, not voluntarily at least. But this one takes me so much that I couldn't put it down. Yeah, exaggerating there, I did. I actually only got two chancces of reading the book. Everything wrapping around it is fascinating, especially the religious part.
So I was thinking this while at work, a really important one, and yeѕ, I'm a religious man. Triggered by elantris. I wonder, what if one day Christianity fallѕ? I mean, it's in human nature that people fear the most powerful and popular,and also deep inside they want to destroy, want the same glory, dark and sick honors to seize.
Where would I be if that very day should come? Is there going to be another religious conflict causing wars, bloodshed, and destructions?
Religious definitly meant power, the supernature that holds human fear and desire. Because most strange things that we couldn't foresee or explain, we push them to God. God will explain, or so he will send the proper answer to his followers. It is said that God shall protect his people, the fainthful.
I sometimes wonder if that's really God saying, that it's God left Bible and the Ten Commendments for later ages to study, to obey and pratice abstinence. If there is really God, why I'm still stuck in this situation. Shouldn't be right? I'm loyal to he the God, although I'm a sinner, everyone else is. It's just the matterof fact of how awful the sin is and what pain it causes on others. Probably mineshould be greater than others, but the fainth in me should cancel them all out. After all, I was born as the God's follower and contribute to him, the holy society, and help the others understand his great sacrifice and teachings.
What if Christianity collapses? Where should I be? If there is really a God, then he won't let this happen, for him knows that how many in the world, this sinful place are those following him, trusting him.
And if he resigns the duty or responsibility of saving this world and its people,do I show him my loyal by giving up my sinful mortal form? Or do I ѕimply convertto whatever the other religion should be that replace Christianity? As loyal as Isaid, I should choose the later option. But even God let this happen, he sits aside and sees, watches his people suffering. Rome, Vatican would be burn to ground.
I do, in some way have my duty also. Now a duty of performing my responsibility of taking care of my career, my family. And later they should increase to functionand support as a husband and father. If God, the inmortal can choose what to do, and eventually gives up, what's there left for us, the normal human to hope for? Do we still hope that we will reach heaven after showing God ѕimply as "we are the loyal people who done no harm or regret afterwards"?
If God can, then I also can, although that will leave me troubled.
I'm afraid, as techonology improved, number of extrems increases, that the "destruction" wouldn't be as slow as the previous conflict between Catholic and the Protestant. The entire Christianity will disappear before anyone pays attention. Suddenly something would takes over, and the next generation will only learn the religion in history book, as sinful as its followers used to be. This glory, which contribute greatly upon the Western and even the Global society, would anybody, ifany hold hatred in heart and plans for destory.
I hope not, as my family, the generations will go one, serve our glory God as theprotector, our savior.